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C a r p e the motherfucking D i e m
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| Woo! |
[Oct. 8th, 2009|07:18 am] |
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Woo! |
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| LiveJournal |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|05:06 pm] |
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It's amazing to see how driven by my mind I was at one point. Then driven by women. I am happy that I am where I am. |
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| Awake |
[Mar. 21st, 2009|04:58 pm] |
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I am thankful for this journal. |
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| Life |
[Sep. 24th, 2008|01:30 am] |
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I was cruising the wasteland that is Myspace and I found a chick in Minnesota who has the most amazing paragraph giving a brief description of her views on life. I have found that I am so attracted to different minds. When I say different I mean, close to mine and far from the norm. I appreciate everything that yearns to be different, not for the simple fact that different is cool... But because complacency is the same to being dead. |
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| Canada. |
[Sep. 7th, 2008|01:22 pm] |
At the airport. Flying to Toronto to play for the Toronto Film Festival. Life is good, Braman BMW is not. Don't buy from Braman. I digress.
Everyday I learn something new and it's very enjoyable even when I feel like it was so obvious I should have seen it before.
My life feels very complete and success is no longer something I chase but a wave that I ride to the beach.
The awesome part is, on the beach there's a very big house and it belongs to me, with a tiki bar and jet skis and all the other material stuff that comes with having lots of money. My wave will eventually land on my beach. AND IF YOU TRESPASS YOU WILL BE SHOT. |
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| Harvey Danger - Flag Pole Sitta |
[May. 27th, 2008|05:16 am] |
I had visions, I was in them,
I was looking into the mirror
To see a little bit clearer
The rottenness and evil in me
Fingertips have memories,
Mine can't forget the curves of your body
And when I feel a bit naughty
I run it up the flagpole and see who salutes
(But no one ever does)
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
and I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell
Been around the world and found
That only stupid people are breeding
The cretins cloning and feeding
And I don't even own a TV
Put me in the hospital for nerves
And then they had to commit me
You told them all I was crazy
They cut off my legs now I'm an amputee, Goddamn you
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin, to live so well
I wanna publish 'zines
And rage against machines
I wanna pierce my tongue
It doesn't hurt, it feels fine
The trivial sublime
I'd like to turn off time
And kill my mind
You kill my mind
Mind...
Paranoia, paranoia
Everybody's comin' to get me
Just say you never met me
I'm runnin' underground with the moles
Diggin' big holes
Hear the voices in my head
I swear to God it sounds like they're snoring
But if you're bored then you're boring
The agony and the irony, they're killing me, whoa!
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell
I'm not sick, but I'm not well
And it's a sin to live this well
"Oh Damn!" Song of the week.
(Thanks L) |
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| Congruency |
[May. 3rd, 2008|05:20 am] |
I found myself dancing in the elevator by myself, my elevators don't have music. I'm a nerd.
Toni Braxton - Hit the Freeway (Sick Track, Very appropriate for my state of being right now)
Happy all around, working on myself.
Life is always great! |
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| I think. |
[Apr. 21st, 2008|04:52 pm] |
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Therefore I am. |
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| Check the dosage |
[Nov. 12th, 2007|05:37 am] |
Multiple choice.
Psychologist.
Q. What should I do?
A. Attempt dating other people.
(Mental answer, But I only want... HIM/HER)
B. Try having a casual friendship.
(He/She won't let that happen, it's too painful.)
C. Stay busy and keep your mind off of it.
(Ding Ding Ding)
My process took a couple steps back. I was sort of moving forward but, still had the feeling in the pit of my stomach that things were still wrong.
Now I keep having fucked thoughts that I was able to move away from previously.
Here's my mental print out of the encounter. My thoughts in the order they occurred.
-I have to get Jex to approve these people...
HOLY FUCK ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SHE'S AT MY JOB AGAIN? *heart starts racing*
-Dude, don't be a dick she's crying.
What the hell do I do? This is incredible, I asked her to stay away from where I work.
-She's just looking at you. *eyes look into yours*
*body starts moving towards her, arms extend for a hug*
*hug*
*Speak a few brief words*
*Walk away*
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I have to focus Saturday is not an easy night.
-You'll be fine just relax and breathe.
Who was she with? Why was she walking alone or with those people?
-It doesn't matter just leave it dude.
What if... what the fuck...
-Leave it alone, focus on your job. You miss her.
She broke up with me. Fuck her. She can't appreciate me..
-Don't be mean, just relax and let it go. Breathe. |
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| Lightning Round |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|05:46 am] |
It's getting easier to suppress the bad thoughts.
Still feels wrong though.
"And if somebody woulda told me a year ago
Ita go get this difficult
Feeling like Katrina with no FEMA
Like Martin with no Gena
Like a flight with no Visa
First class with the seat back I still see ya
In my past, you on the other side of the glass
Of my memory’s museum"
The sponge treatment on the wall continuously brings flashbacks.
I am going to do one thing a week by myself that I would have done with my significant other.
Here is a list of things I'm going to do.... (In no particular order)
1. Go on vacation alone. (Possible destinations: Maine, Tallahassee, Sanibel, The Bahamas)
2. Go to Santa's Enchanted forest alone.
3. Eat at a nice restaurant alone.
4. Go to the beach alone.
5. Watch a movie alone.
6. Watch every episode of SVU, alone.
That's 6 weeks of activities. The should take me into the new year with some procrastination.
I'll lay in bed and just detail every perfect aspect of you. Every curve and crevice.. every dimple and ridge.
Every possible way your eyes looked in different lights. The style with which you wore your clothes. Your smell and your touch. Every single perfect feature that is behind the glass of my memory museum.
You broads will be the end of me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2007|05:00 pm] |
Not all cops are stupid, this one is... and the one that arrested me 2 months ago is as well.
My case was dismissed.
I walked out of the court room like an acquitted Tupac Shakur. |
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| Halloween: The Narcissistic Holiday |
[Nov. 1st, 2007|05:55 am] |
I have boobs: watch me go out in my under ware on Halloween.
I have been working out for 4 months: watch me go out shirtless on Halloween.
I have said it before... Halloween is just an excuse to dress trampy.
It's been a month. Almost everyday a thousand thoughts of you. When will it go away?
Here's what I dressed up as for Halloween.
The band-aid was added by a friend. I don't share sentiment with the band-aid. |
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| Circles Incubus |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|05:57 am] |
I just remembered that Incubus is the most therapeutic band this side of the Milky Way. For some reason or another my brain continues to play this indiscriminate game of flashbacks and remembrances as well as negative things that make my heart hurt. I am trying to control it, but it's difficult when you think of a certain thing so much. I mean, Sick Sad Little World in real life. (Incubus Reference #3)
My boss asks me last night, "Do you have a girlfriend?" I said... "No.... She dumped me about 3 weeks ago." He scrunched his face and looked at me and said, "She's going to regret it. Biggest mistake of her life."
I mean, realistically, what the fuck does he know... But, it did make me feel a little better, not so much because of the vengefulness of the comment, but more because it stated he had a faith in me that I have been having trouble keeping centered in my thoughts.
From every angle I am receiving very positive re-enforcement. Surprisingly, not bashing anyone. That makes me happy. I don't have a rigid support system by any means, but the system that is there is definitely helping.
One of the fragments of truth that I am holding on to is one that I have believed in for a long stretch of time. Thankfully, my mom helped restore my minds capability of understanding it. Here it is....
Love conquers all.
She said to me, in Spanish of course... "Juan, look.. love is something that stands strong in the face of distance, in the face of time and in the face of any obstacle. If she loves/loved you then she would still feel the pain of missing you whether she is 2500 miles away, or if she breaks up with you now. Love transcends all the distance, all the time... What's the difference between being apart now or being apart when she leaves, IF love exists there."
That being said, I want to make clear that I do feel that love was existent, like I stated in previous entries "I am a little lost." I can't quite grasp the concept as she has..
As one of my good friends said recently, "wah wah wah, poor little me."
I have to get out of the routine of allowing my brain to be my enemy. I have found certain techniques that have helped me control my thought process. Thanks to all the Buddhist text reading I've done, I have found a small yet effective way to help push out any unwanted thoughts. I'll share it now...
All you have to do is... Focus on your breathing. Consciously and actively breathe. If you add the task of breathing to your brain, it stops the wandering of thoughts and it becomes easy to come out of a low point.
I am far from ready to be with anyone else. Not ready: Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually. Sexually. Catch 22.
I'm at the end of my ribbon again
For those who own to apathy
You had the perfect opportunity
But PLED the fifth and walked away
For every one thing we're ignorant of
A thousand more things beat the maze.
You saw the apple hanging on the tree
But missed the orchard in your gaze!
I'm cautious of who I will call a friend;
Who you acquaint is who you are.
The darkest hours are when we choose a side.
So make your pick and take a fall.
-Incubus |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 15th, 2007|05:52 am] |
A beautiful sunset finally falls
stayed it in place too long to call
darker now, it gets cold
a storm brews, lightning it holds
silver strings illuminate and give vision
no color at night, black is a prison
remembering what colors were
watching the sunset, it was me and her
now alone in a tempest it's all a blur
fruits from the dark clouds trickle in surge
without company I sit, enjoying the rain
to refuse it is futile, to run is in vain
Like the storm, I go through my motions
feeling some pain, exploring emotions
marathon cognitions..
although clouds hold back the light of the moon
i slowly gather my runners and align and attune
i know what will happen, it may not be soon
thunder echos and croons
a weathered tree sways but it will stand strong
for it too knows it wont be long
a storm capable of breaking most men
I smile and know, the beautiful sun will rise again. |
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| Lucidity |
[Oct. 6th, 2007|05:10 am] |
Walking to the entrance I kept my head down, I didn't want to see a car (If it was here.)
Walking to the door I had a huge smile on my face.
Checked the closets to make sure we were not playing hide and seek.
At least my pallet will be content. |
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| Lucidity. |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|05:04 pm] |
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I've been having very intense dreams. They're all cool though, nothing sad. Last night I was Britney Spears' boyfriend. That was fun. When she tried seducing me.. I said, "I can't I like someone else." |
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| confused |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|12:51 pm] |
I still am at a loss... I really don't get it. I think that we had plans for vacations and how she cried when I was being arrested. How she smiled once, how she didn't smile like that anymore. I don't understand.... The thought that keeps putting me at ease that its similar to anything else you don't understand... I am not a molcular scientist, but I know I breathe oxygen. I'm not an astronomer, but I know which thing in the sky is the moon.
I am in her thoughts, but I am not in her life. |
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| multiple choice |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|12:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cold | ] |
To hurt is inevitable, suffering is optional. |
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| Thoughts.... |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|05:50 am] |
I figure we're both going to continue writing in our journals, it's sort of like therapy.
I've never seen or read up on "Les Miserables" but, If I tried out for the lead role, I would get it. Without speaking a word of french.
I had a weird moment tonight, I was standing in the main room of Mansion and someone stood in front of me... A guy.. I didn't know him but, I thought... "A random act of violence might make me feel better..." I thought about just pushing him as hard as I hurt. I quickly came to my senses and opted not to.
I am the loneliest I have been. It hit me in the car. The drive to my apartment was bad.
I feel like I have oxygen all around me, but can't seem to catch any of it.
I have a rusty nail in my heart.
Erosion is the only way to fix that. |
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| Sorting out the clutter. |
[Oct. 3rd, 2007|03:45 am] |
I wrote this on June 15th....
"Of course, maybe the one exemption to this, is if you want another person. Simply put, if you want someone and they don't want you back, no matter how much you try.. (in some cases... I'm sure if you were to want them enough and did things right you could still attain).. it may not come.
But if you know you belong with someone and feel happy when you're with them, why wait until tomorrow? Why wait until the "time" is right?
Do it now, tomorrow is NOT promised to you. Or me, and this is why I am so impulsive. This is why I changed, lil b. This is why I try so hard.
I know what I want."
I'm sad.
It's a different kind of "sad" though. It's weird... because I feel like I did all I could do. I left nothing back... I didn't hold back. I was not lazy. I was not selfish. I was self-less. So in a sense, that puts me at ease a little.
I feel like regardless of what actions I would have taken, the outcome would have been the same.
If I would have been more critical, argumentative, insensitive.. I would be where I am at now.
I was sensitive, I was understanding, I was not confrontational, I was very giving...
When someone tells you they are off balance, the last thing you want to do is tilt the table. This is why I was the way I was.... I didn't want to tilt the table.. But the table couldn't be put back on its axis.
Every day I asked how she was feeling. Almost every week I asked if she was better....
My questions were met with, "I don't know's" "I'm ok's" and "I don't want to talk right now's"
When this month of funk started, she said to me... "I know you want to help, but you can't be involved in every aspect of my thought process, This is something I have to deal with myself."
So, I laid back and didn't confront. I didn't fight. I didn't tilt the table.
I feel like I played the role the best way I could have. Someone is going through a time of reflection, it's best they do it with minimal interruption. I never minded doing what she wanted, going where she wanted, watching what she wanted. If I would have bumped heads while she thought about things, it would have further tilted the table.
To be honest... I still don't understand. I don't get how it's here one day and not the next.
I'm so happy that I lived every single day as best I could, giving and caring. Being affectionate and patient. I have no regrets now... I know in my heart that if I did all that I could, it isn't up to me AT ALL to be in charge of this situation.
My head doesn't wrap around the situation. I understand where I am... But I don't understand how I got here.
It's a very heart wrenching catch 22.
Here's something I just thought of... When someone does something that doesn't make sense... When someone commits an error and is not able to recognize it... The FIRST thing that a person who is confused, uncertain, guilty, or wrong will do is... make excuses. Make excuses and find logic in what they did... Rationalization when there is no logic behind an action.
Thankfully, I am content with myself and my actions.. That I have not found the need to logicize the situation. I have not said to myself, "I was too good, I should have done more, I should have done less, I should have helped tie her shoe on July 28th at 4:38pm." I left everything, I am content with how I treated her. I am happy with myself.
But, I'm sad. I'm sad that decisions were made that leave me without someone I enjoyed so much.
I am sad that I don't have the opportunity to : Argue, make love to, kiss, discuss, take shopping, go on vacation, watch TV, talk about aliens... with her anymore.
I have never had my eyes fill up with tears so fast that my vision gets blurry.
I just thought it would be better since she didn't want me to shovel with her... for me not to throw more dirt in the hole she was in.
In the end, when you fall in love.. you have the option to get up.... I couldn't kick her legs or hold her down.
....for the first time in a year and four months, my nose is clean.. and it hurts. |
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stopclowning's journal